Plain Soup (?)

I've never been really happy or sad. So far my life is just like a plain soup, no taste. But, many times I made mistakes, some small mistakes that never been erased. Even, those were just a small things but they stuck on my mind. How if there will be a big one?
I hardly ever cry and too easy to laugh. My tears is invisible. Yes, my fault, forgetting how to feel sad. I wonder my feeling is numb or it's actually not.
No one knows this. It sometimes does really hurt. But, who the hell want to feel it with me? No need to be shared right?
I apologize for making you all disappointed.
So terrified of something that will come.  Am I that strong?